Last night I went and saw a show... Jersey Boys... with some friends. I have been looking forward to this day since Christmas! I got 4 tickets to go see the show from my aunt, uncle and cousin on Christmas day, and ever since I couldn't wait to have a night on the town and get to dress up after all my weight loss! It was a time to prove to one of my friends that I AM losing weight and that I'm not just doing it to bring attention but to actually do something good for myself. He says that me losing weight is me making myself out to be a martyr of some sort... which is really discouraging! But tonight was my chance.
I had bought this shirt and I couldn't weight to wear it! I bought it a while back, with this night in my plans... not to show off to my friend, but to get to wear something new for my night out! I was so excited... so about an hour before I had to be ready, I tried the shirt on, and it didn't fit! My chest had gotten so much smaller and I just was NOT the same as I was when I bought the shirt! I immediately got upset and depressed about it all. So I thought I'd just go and get a different top from "the Fat Lady Store" also known as Lane Bryant... well, I found something that I thought was cute, tried it on, thought it would work, bought it and came home.... after calling and complaining/whining to my friend... not my best moment. I got home and I tried it on again, and I hated it. I didn't have shoes to wear with it and I just didn't think it looked right... so immediate depression again. I took my shower and ended up wearing a pair of pants that fit and a shirt that I already had that is too big for me. That seems to be the trend... all my clothes don't fit! They are too big, and the second I want to look nice (which is not very often, but becoming more frequent) it is impossible! I get so upset! I know there isn't anything I can do but buy more clothes, but that just isn't always an option. It is very very very frustrating and upsetting. It just makes me feel worse about myself. I don't know if I have 1 thing that I like seeing on myself.
I wish that I could just go anywhere and find something to wear, but I'm still too fat to be able to do that. I only have certain places I can go shop for clothes... I wear a 24 in pants/shorts or a XXL and a 22/24 or XXL in shirts... you can't just find that anywhere... and if you do, it usually is nothing I would like to wear. I always hated having to show in the "big lady" section of the mall when I was in high school and junior high. While other kids were getting to shop all over, I wasn't able to ... even when I wanted to ... more than anything. I wanted to be able to shop at Old Navy, Lerner's, different department stores, American Eagle, Gap... not that I always thought that those places had appropriate clothes, but to just have the option. I have found out that you can order plus sizes on
www.oldnavy.com ... which is cool... but once again, it comes down to money all the time. I just can afford new clothes. I kinda went overboard with buying some for the emergency tonight...($86)... and I just can't do that.
I know that losing weight is good for me and I do feel better about myself, sometimes, but when it comes to clothes, I just hate how almost everything fits! I have 1 pair of shorts (workout shorts) that I like because they have a drawstring... other than that I just don't really like ANYTHING I wear or can wear. I have a favorite skirt that I bought... It is SOOOO cute!... but is it WAY TOO BIG on me right now... I can't even wear it. I just hate it. I just am having a really hard time today.
